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SATIRICAL NEWS / PARODY ARTICLES / FAKE NEWSPAPER STORIES / FROM NEWSISHY

High Street Mini-Marts Selling Weapons Grade Uranium And Claymore Mines To Children.

Our undercover operation revealed a shocking amount of highly illegal items being sold to minors.

We went undercover in the West Midlands targeting small mini-mart shops and discovered there is no limit to how low they will go to make money for the gangs that run them. Our covert child operatives were able to purchase items which international terrorists find difficult to acquire.

We began by sending an 11 year old we will call Jake into the small mini-mart called ‘MINI-SHOP’ in Chelmsley Wood, Birmingham. He asked for a strawberry vape and was served one immediately with the shop assistant offering him a 3 for 2 deal.

ENRICHED URANIUM

The following day we sent Jake who had told a different shop assistant he had just moved into the area, this time he asked for cannabis and was sold a £25 bag of a very smelly substance we have verified as being the illegal drug.

On the third day he asked another different shop worker if they have anything that his father could use as a weapon of mass destruction, after the assistant got confirmation that it was for his father and not Jake himself he was able to purchase 1kg of highly enriched uranium U-235 at a cost of £150,000 with an offer of a 25% discount for additional purchases of 5kgs or more.

We then sent a 14 year girl we will call Staci to a small shop in the town of Handsworth Wood in Birmingham called ‘Mart Mini Mart Mart’ which had been opened 3 days prior.
She asked for a pack of 20 cigarettes which she was sold without checking her age. She was also asked to perform a sex act on the assistant, but she declined. The Marlboro cigarettes were found to be fake and contain straw and rat fur.

RAMBO KNIFE

The next day another shop assistant was on duty and sold Staci a Rambo knife for £20 when she explained she was getting bullied by another girl. She was also asked to perform a sex act on the assistant, but she declined.

On the last day of our sting we sent Staci back again, this time we told her to appear upset and unstable. She told a different assistant she was regularly being attacked by a group of girls from her school and she needed to stop them.
The assistant first asked her to perform a sex act on him, but she declined at which point he sold her an M18A1 Claymore mine with a M57 firing device and an M4 electric blasting cap for £1500. The assistant explained that she needed to be careful with it and check YouTube for some instructions.

All items purchased were turned over to the police along with our covert footage, we were told the incidents would be fully investigated.


#SATIRE