All canals in the UK will be drained and cleared.
National Highways has announced it will start work turning the UK canal system into roads to ease traffic congestion in a move which has angered almost everyone.
There are thirty thousand people living on narrow boats in the UK and all of them will have to begin the journey to the 20 mile uppermost section of the Lancaster canal in the Lake District where they will be permitted to moor.
BUNCH OF NUMPTIES
Chairman of the Inland Waterways Association Wyne Swishens spoke to Newsishy after the announcement.
“Somebody’s head is going to roll for this one, It’s probably someone in an office in London who has never seen a canal. It’s going to cost tens if not hundreds of millions of pounds to drain, clear and tarmac all the canals and nobody seems to have realised canals are quite narrow so most of this new road system will be one way! Bunch of numpties mate!”
Doris Thuttston has lived on a narrowboat for 23 years:
“I’ve got no family in the bloody Lake District and I work in Bath, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Commute 250 miles twice a day?”
National Highways released an additional statement after the initial uproar stating:
“We are aware that this project may be slightly inconvenient to a small number of people but be assured we have done the maths and this will cut some peoples journeys by almost 6 minutes in specific areas.
There will also be a financial incentive for National Highways as we can get £3 per shopping trolley if we return them to the relative supermarkets so you know, silver lining and all that.”
