Incredible revelations about the broadcaster and nations favorite will shock the world.
Newsishy can exclusively reveal that Sir David Attenborough is the mastermind behind a global conspiracy to eliminate all life on earth except humans.
The broadcaster started developing his evil scheme in 1954 while filming his first TV show in Africa, Zoo Quest. Apparently some chimpanzees started throwing poo at him and a tiny little bit went on his lips. He was not happy and swore to eliminate all life from that point on.
SECRET LAB
Sir David realised making a career out of travelling the world and filming as many different amazing creatures as he can was the perfect cover.
For 70 years he has been reporting back to a secret lab with samples from these creatures, the lab located in North Korea is developing a virus to kill all life except humans.
Our informant cannot be named but is a member of North Korea’s secret service. We asked him to clarify Sir David’s involvement:
“Big D as we call him started it all, he came to us in 1955 with a proposal and we’ve been working together ever since. The aim is to develop a single virus which can kill all life forms.
It’s extremely difficult, something which kills an elephant will not necessarily kill a mushroom or a tree.
The thousands of samples Big D has gathered means we are extremely close.
Please understand I’m not comfortable talking about this. You do not want to anger Big D, he’s a fucking animal (no pun intended), he will slaughter your entire family and your dog for the tiniest mistake. I once saw him kill a man with just a plastic straw. A fucking plastic straw!”
VIRUS ON 100TH BIRTHDAY
Close to what exactly?
“Releasing the virus on his 100th birthday. That was always the plan, he knew it would take decades to be developed.”
And what do you expect to happen once this virus is released?
We estimate most life will be destroyed within one month with the rest extinguished by month two.
But humans will live?
“Of course, we’ll be around for at least another 12 months”
Newsishy sent a reporter to put our findings to Sir David in person, the reporter was dumped 50 miles away after being beaten to a pulp and having “Big D” carved into his forehead.
