In an unprecedented move, the Vatican has issued an official proclamation denouncing kangaroos and their smaller counterparts, wallabies, as “satanic.” The statement, released earlier today, asserts that the marsupials are “the spawn of the devil himself,” sparking both bewilderment and amusement worldwide
Specially Selected Choir Boys
Sources close to Pope Leo XIV suggest the declaration stemmed from a discussion with a group of specially selected choir boys during a reading of the story of Noah’s Ark. According to one insider, a particularly astute choir boy pointed out a glaring inconsistency: “There’s no way kangaroos made it onto the Ark. Noah didn’t have a fucking clue Australia even existed, let alone those bouncy pricks.” Reportedly, the Pope found the argument compelling and agreed.
His words are not to be questioned
In response to requests for clarification, the Vatican provided an additional statement, doubling down on the Pope’s unusual theological position: “His Holiness has spoken. His words are not to be questioned. From our perspective, it’s obvious. Kangaroos (and wallabies) could not have travelled from Australia to the Middle East to board the Ark. How would they have even heard about it? Furthermore, Australia is an island, and we are confident that satanic kangaroos (and wallabies) are not capable of swimming across oceans.”
The pronouncement has sparked a wave of online reactions, ranging from disbelief to outrage. Memes featuring devil-horned kangaroos have flooded social media, while Australians, in particular, have taken to defending their iconic fauna. “He’s off his bloody rocker, what’s next koalas are bloody werewolves, give over!” quipped one Sydney resident on Twitter now X apparently.
