The government has announced that because of increased violence in schools against teaching staff that all teacher training will now include statutory qualification as Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighters.
A spokesperson for the Department For Education said “Ministers are hoping that some well-placed spinning elbows and the like will restore discipline to Britain’s rowdiest schools. Under this new policy, trainee teachers will be required to earn an accredited MMA qualification alongside their traditional teaching degrees. We insist this is a proactive and practical measure to ensure teacher safety and regain order in our classrooms.” The minister for education Lisa Ratic added “Once students witness a few well-timed chokeholds, they’ll quickly rethink their choices,” she added. “We anticipate a sharp decline in bad behaviour.”
The qualification which must be achieved before setting foot in any classroom is the latest idea by the department of education to improve the safety of teachers in schools who are getting attacked more frequently whilst also improving the behaviour and attitude of students.
A Divided Reaction from Trainee Teachers
Unsurprisingly, the announcement has sparked mixed reactions among trainee teachers. “I was worried about how tough teaching would be, but the fact they’re making us fight like gladiators first is, frankly, terrifying,” said Edith Nobleston, a 23-year-old aspiring English teacher. “I just wanted to do poetry analysis, not prepare for cage fights in Year 9.”
Others, however, have embraced the idea. Alastor Pefksela, a 32-year-old former nightclub bouncer training to be a PE teacher, sees it as a dream come true. “I can’t wait. Finally, we get to legally put these little shits in their place.”
Parental Opinions: Split at the School Gates
At the gates of St. Britney’s Secondary School in Manchester, parents were eager to share their thoughts on the initiative.
Doris Thutston, 48, a mother of three, supported the move. “Honestly, teachers have it tough. If a few roundhouse kicks can bring back discipline, then so be it. Back in my day, a teacher would just throw a chalkboard eraser at your head. Kids today are lucky.” On the other hand, Seth Sialis, 42, was appalled. “This is an absolute disgrace! What happened to conflict resolution? What if a child is having a bad day and doesn’t deserve a judo takedown? My son Kevin is a free spirit—if he wants to stand on his desk and scream ‘Fortnite dance moves are culture,’ he should be able to without getting triangle-choked by Miss Davies.” Other parents seemed indifferent. Len Bestovhidi, 46, simply shrugged. “Look, if my lad acts up and gets suplexed by Sir, that’s on him.”
A ‘No-Laws Zone’ in the Classroom
Another controversial part of the policy is the government’s decision to suspend legal action against teachers when inside the classroom, effectively declaring them “free combat zones.
The minister for education Lisa Ratic added “We need the teaching staff to know they will not be prosecuted for any violence they perform as part of their daily duties. Students will also be made aware that “You can’t do that” and “My mom will call the feds on you” will now fall on deaf ears.”
