Police in the UK have been given new guidelines and powers to identify and arrest twats which will come into force in the next month.
The guidelines which instruct officers to use their “experience and common sense to identify individuals who are being twats or taking part in twatish behaviour” are intended to curb the tsunami of violent, childish or just plain stupid people who cause police time to be taken up with them other than actually fighting criminal actions.
Most useful at weekends in the cities
Police spokesman Seth Sialis told us “Although we will be using these new powers at all times they will be most useful at weekends in the cities where the vast majority of twats tend to convene and become more twatish after a few pints. There will be a few extra containment wagons in each city to cater for the expected increased arrests”
Asked what determined being a twat he said “It’s down to the officers opinion in any given situation for instance if someone is just merry and giving strangers hugs while telling them ‘i fucking love you’ then personally I’d say not a twat but if someone is running down the middle of the road shirtless with a traffic cone on his head screaming ‘I’m off my fucking face’ then I’d say definitely a twat and he’s going in the van.”
Arrests rate to explode
The arrest rate is expected to explode in the first few months as most twats genuinely have no idea they are twats in the first place so they will be easy to identify. We went to a popular nightlife area in London at 1am and asked around 25 people who seemed to be acting like twats what they thought of the new police powers and not one of them thought it applied to them.
